England, A Land of Contrasts.

Sunday evening, the pub was a melting pot! In one corner, we had the Christians, fresh from church, playing darts and eating cheesy chips & beans (my fave!) Walking down the bar, there were a few Germans watching the footie on the TV, and then in front of the big screen was a group of Spaniards. Playing pool, we had a group of Russians (the males, of which, do not use any sort of deodorant, at all) and a man with 2 girls, who I could only assume were prostitutes. The jury's still out on the man though--we weren't sure if he was their pimp or their john. But they were all very nice and it was a calm, yet interesting night.

I think London, and England in general is the most diverse place I have ever been to in my life. So many different faces, races and creeds, I hear foreign tongues most places I go. It's unfortunate that there are some English "Bulldogs" who are part of this England for the English campaign, because having so many different people in one area is refreshing. One time, we had a footie game on from the Albanian channel. One of the regulars, a chavvy older guy, said "Turn that foreign sound off, and turn the jukebox back on! This is an English pub and England for the English! We speak English here!" He proceeded to put some incredibly rubbish techno-pop on. English, indeed.

Anyone for pee and a threesome?

So, last Saturday night, Mike and I went to see Much Ado About Nothing at the National Theatre in London. It was a Christmas gift from his 'rents, who also took us out to an expensive French dinner. The show was incredibly funny, with some amazing performances by the lead characters. I've always found Shakespeare a bit difficult to follow, and it's been awhile since I read any (umm...high school maybe?), but I loved it and had a wonderful funny time.

Fast forward to about 4:30am Sunday morning. I am awoken by Mike saying "Mark? Mark, is that you?" I turn over and there is someone else in our bed. It's a male, wearing all black, and in the streetlight, I can see that his face is painted...blue? The intruder harrumphs drunkenly and curls into a ball at Mike's feet. Mike shakes his shoulders and continually tells him he needs to get out of his room. I'm still coming around, and can only think about what happens if he pukes? Then I worry that he's very sick so I ask him his name. "Leeeon," he slurs, and then flops over in the other direction, right next to Mike. I turn the light on. Mike picks him up under his arms, kicks him out of the room, and directs him upstairs.

Mike looks over at his floor and notices wetness. He says, "I really hope that he just knocked over a glass of water..." But there are no glasses to be found. Upon closer inspection, we come to the grim conclusion: Mike's room has been used as a toilet. Leon had seemingly been aiming for the standing lamp, and his piss had gotten all over some books, mags, my CDs, some of my shoes, my Yarn Harlot book and a very dear copy of 1602 by Neil Gaiman. We spent the better part of an hour mopping up piss with toilet paper and then mopping up some more. We moved most of the icky things into the kitchen and Mike put up a hilarious sign saying "Do Not Touch. Stuff Has Been Pissed On. (Yes, I ended with a preposition.)" Then posted a very civil note on Mark's cupboard. Then it was off to bed.

In the morning, I heard Mark yelling for Leon to read this note. And Leon was shocked and apologetic. He was truly sorry, which was good. I didn't want to have to get all passive/aggressive on his ass. Later on after we got up, Leon apologized profusely to us, and promised to pay for anything that was damaged. I told him he was lucky that he aimed where he did. Mike has fancy music equipment strewn around his room--a swing in any other direction would have had dire consequences. Mark told us later that Leon said he's prone to sleepwalking while drunk, but this is the first time that he's missed the can so utterly completely.

If we were into threesomes and golden showers, it would've been perfect. But we're not. It does make for a very good story though, so I'm thankful for that.

I am a drunken retard.

See below.

I am finally in love with Morrissey.

I don't know how it took me so long...

I used to think that M and the Smiths were just some 80's band that were sorta influential and that most people liked in a New Order/Cure sort of way.

Stop me, oh oh oh stop me........And so I drank one, it became four, and when I fell on the floor I drank more....

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE the Smiths.

Love them.

Fin.

I should add that I'm quite drunk right now. And that I'm not enough of a Smiths/M fan to add a clever drunken comment...

Edit 2/14: Wow, my first drunken post! I wonder what this means for my blogging. Maybe there's a badge for this.

Most Racistest Comment Ever.

Yesterday, while I was at work, a very drunk old(er) white male came in. He came in with one of the regulars, Nigel, and ordered a double vodka, no ice, no nothing. My alcoholic radar senses something's not quite right here, but I serve him. He slurs, "Wow, you have very good English!" I say thanks, confused. Jacob, the 17 year old cook whispers "He thinks you're from Japan."
Then white drunk male says, "When I was young, I used to be young and attractive and could get any girl I want..." I walk away.

He sits by Nigel, who by this time has told me to not serve Martin, the v. drunk man. Sure, no problem, I say.

Martin asks for another double vodka. I ignore him. He then says, "You know, I've always been afraid of dating an Oriental woman, because I'm afraid I'll end up chopped up in a wok."

I stop. Then say, "That's racist, and I'm not serving you." And went back to ignoring him and cleaning glasses.

He then starts blathering on about how he's not racist, he just doesn't know the culture and I don't even remember what else. I couldn't believe the diarrhea that was coming out of his mouth. I told him he needed to shut it before he made an even bigger fool out of himself.

My boyfriend said I should have told him "I wouldn't get much of a meal out of your very small penis."

There have been a few other times when old white men have used the word "Oriental" and applied stereotypes. I need more comebacks! Please help me!